“Get Out of Eco-Jail Free” Cards

With the power vested in me as a micro-famous green lifestyle leader, I hereby grant one bajillion green karma points to anyone who refrains from doing any of the following:

Tying a bale (of hay, pine-straw mulch, etc.) so tight that it becomes necessary to use scissors to cut the twine, thereby having to sacrifice some of the twine rather than being able to reuse the whole length of it. Arggghhhhhhh!!! is there a special tiny place in hell for this or what? Learn a tight-yet-slippable knot, fellow humans! Obviously the people who tie these diabolical knots did not have a grandfather who lived through the Depression and had an entire section of his workbench devoted to meticulously salvaged lengths of twine, some dating to pre-Roman times. Revere the twine!

• And in the same vein, tying super-tight knots in those big thick “yard waste” bags so they can’t be reused, once I’ve emptied them of the oak leaves, grass clippings, and other organic material you left by the curb as trash, but are actually prize booty for my urban permaculture micro-homestead.

Refrain from committing these two extremely trivial yet disproportionately aggravating eco-peccadilloes, and all else is forgiven. You have my blessing to use your bajillion karma points to neutralize any and all of your sins against Mother Earth. Start a fracking business next to a wildlife sanctuary; jet off to Dubai for the weekend; drive your military-grade SUV to the end of your driveway to pick up your mail from Semi-Automatic Weapons Discount Warehouse; throw your half-empty bottles of bottled water into the trash or onto the beach rather than the recycling bin … Have at it!

(Just kidding; I can’t go that far. I draw the line at those half-empty water bottles. Uggghhhh! If I could talk to the people doing this I would say: What, do you have too much money, is that it? Are you the liquid version of Marie Antoinette?! Lording it over the masses with your conspicuous consumption, or in this case non-consumption? Is your motto “Let them drink urine!”? Jeez! Drink the rest of your overpriced plastic water, or water a plant with it, and then throw that darn bottle in the recycling bin!)

So no, I can’t allow you to use those bajillion green karma points to neutralize just anything. But I hereby empower you to run around bragging about the big fat “Eco Get Out of Jail Free Card” you have earned from the micro-famous Deep Green Blogger. Be sure and tell them how you earned it, so we can promote civilized knotting behavior. I’m hoarding baling-twine (AKA “Orange Gold” and “Blue Gold”) for the Zombie Apocalypse and can’t afford to sacrifice even a centimeter of the stuff.

And if you have any other extremely trivial yet disproportionately aggravating eco-peccadilloes to add to the above list, please drop me a line! It takes a village to raise our standards.

#ComicRelief

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