This is definitely a case of “writing a post that I myself need to read.” Because I’m terrible at asking for help. And when I manage to ask, and the help comes, I feel guilty and unworthy.
But, trying to do everything on our own is unsustainable. It leads to all sorts of resource waste and unnecessary extra work and expense.
Yesterday I got a huge amount of help.
Housemate #1 turns out to be very experienced at installing toilet tank flush assemblies. YouTube had taken me farther than I ever dreamed possible, but it wasn’t far enough. I had to be willing to accept his kind and generous offer of help.
And, a neighbor drove me to a house that was nine miles away, to purchase a used bicycle. My neighbor had furthermore taken the initiative to find the bicycle listed for sale on Craigslist, after hearing me mention I needed a bicycle. (One of ours got stolen and the other needs major repairs.)
Help doesn’t always come from the same people I’ve extended help to. It really is a whole extended web of care as opposed to perfectly equal exchange. We have to be at peace with maybe not being able to repay help, just as we are perfectly fine with not being repaid for extending help (at least, I’m fine with that).
By definition, the stuff that other people help us with feels incredibly valuable, because it’s things that we ourselves don’t have. Items we don’t own; skills we don’t possess.
Like, I don’t have a car. So when I can’t manage a task by foot or bicycle or bus, and can’t spare the money for a cab, I feel like I’m taking a million dollars from the neighbor with a car.
Same goes for the person with skills and experience that are way out of my league or zone. Toilet repair, bicycle repair. Might as well be handing me a million dollars.
So of course I feel guilty because to me, there’s nothing I have to offer that is of equal worth.
Of course it’sgoing to feel like that though. Whatever skills or assets we ourselves possess, don’t seem as valuable as the ones we are needing from someone else.
But, sometimes the thing we have to give is simply time, or general effort or labor. That too can be incredibly valuable, to the person who doesn’t have it and needs to draw on it. Who knows, maybe to someone, it might feel lifesaving, or like a million dollars.
In permaculture we talk about “sharing surplus”. Time, talent, money, energy, labor, tools, extra clothes, extra plants … all are examples of surplus. Even just having a bit of attention to spare when someone else’s attention is exhausted, can be huge.
So, if you’re bad at asking for and accepting help, please keep working on that! And I’ll do the same. I want to live in a world where no one has to try to get by without help. And where we all get the joy of being able to feel useful.