Neighbors don’t have to be friends.
This might sound strange coming from someone who is constantly talking about the power of community. The importance of knowing one’s neighbors.
But, cordial working neighborly relations are not the same thing as friendship.
Now, if you happen to meet someone in your neighborhood who turns out to be a friend, that’s an extra bonus. But it’s not necessary.
Knowing each other’s faces, passing the time of day, having each other’s backs isn’t the same as friendship.
I’m saying this because sometimes people’s feelings can get hurt if a neighbor turns out to not want to be a social friend.
Also saying this because we have become so unused to living in real community — largely because prosperity has allowed us to buy ourselves out of it — That our expectations have become unrealistic.
So when people talk about forming an eco village or whatever they get all these romantic expectations of a bunch of people who are best buddies and on the exact same wavelength.
I’m not a very big believer in forming new “intentional communities.” It’s great if it works out but often it doesn’t. I am more a believer in working with where we are. It’s a lot easier and less resource intensive.
Sometimes in a neighborhood there can be sort of a mismatch between people who just want the practical aspects, and people who think they want to be a social friend with this or that neighbor. But that’s life. It happened in school; it happens in activism; and yes it happens in neighborhoods.
People aren’t always gonna want to hang out with you socially. And that’s not only OK; it doesn’t even have to be lonely. Working with neighbors on projects of common concern goes a long way.
One example in my neighborhood right now is us working together on trap neuter release of the feral cats.
Also, existing in reciprocity goes a long way. Someone who might not socialize with you, or who you might not want to socialize with, can still help you with tasks and you help them with a task in return.
And, block parties are an option! Socializing with people you might only socialize with at the block party.
I have been very fortunate to have some close friends in each neighborhood where I have lived. But I don’t take it for granted that that will always be the case.
And I think we sometimes forget that there is a continuum from stranger to acquaintance to friend to close friend. And that continuum can be very very gradual and lengthy in time. It can even spiral or seem to go backwards but that doesn’t have to be a negative thing.
Enjoy your neighbors! It’s actually kind of a cool, low-pressure relationship in a lot of ways. Some of my neighbors, most of our relationship consists of saying hi in passing when they’re out walking their dogs, or they pass by my yard and ask questions about plants.
It’s a whole net we are weaving when we build community. And to expect it to consist entirely of close friendship is unrealistic, and anyway that would be a monoculture. As we learn in Permaculture class, monocultures are not resilient or healthy. Whether on the physical landscape, or in the realm of invisible structures.