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Recently a new friend, Debbie, came into my life. And more recently, I got to meet her sister Cathy. All three of us being middle-aged women, we are “birds of a feather” in many ways. But there is one thing that sets them apart from most people I know, me included: They have impeccable cellphone manners. By which I mean that, if we are hanging out together socially, they do not have their phones out, and they are not constantly checking their phones. What a concept, right? In the old days before smartphones became a human appendage, this restraint would simply have been referred to as, “Well, duh. Common-sense good manners!”

Now, cellphone manners (as in put that thing away! and don’t check it while hanging out with other people) is something I’ve been working on, but I have a long way to go. I still glance at it when I’m supposed to be giving my exclusive attention to the people who are right in front of me. And this is easy to rationalize and get away with, because most of the other people I know do it too! With some of my friends, we are literally multi-tasking the whole time we are hanging out! I end up missing fragments, or even whole chunks, of conversation.

But guess who never does this? My friends Debbie and Cathy! And so, guess who didn’t do it the other night when she was hanging out with Debbie and Cathy? Me! And yes, it sometimes felt weird to not allow myself to “take hits” off that electronic crack-pipe during the evening. But the fact that it felt that weird only increases my resolve.

I use my smartphone mainly for work. And, it is my main tool for work. For writing, research, marketing, activism. And that’s great! But when I allow it to spill over into the personal space, it changes from a work-tool into an electronic crack-pipe! I’m ready to get beyond that for real.

Lots of us are working on this. And I wish us all success in being more deliberate with these tiny computers that for many of us have become such an appendage that we feel naked without it.

Now, the reason I’m bringing up this topic today is to illustrate the power of behavioral contagion. When I’m around most of my friends, it’s all too easy to let myself get away with the cellphone thing. But with Debbie and Cathy, it was easy to hold myself to my intentions to leave the phone alone, because that’s what they were doing.

How many behaviors can we help make contagious, just by being stalwart models of those behaviors? Always turning out the lights; always carrying our own reusable cup, spoon, cloth napkin so we don’t have to use disposables. Never accepting rides that are out of someone’s way. De-normalizing airplane travel.

Being insistent and even a bit of a hard-ass with our beneficial habits can be a good thing, if it inspires and rubs off on other people. What behaviors would you like to make contagious in the world? What are some ways you can help make that happen?

There is much to be gained right now from popularizing habits of restraint.

A fellow environmentalist friend just commented on her page, “I’ve noticed how much more seasonable the weather’s been! It’s like it used to be 20-30 years ago. I can’t help but wonder if the Earth is responding favorably to the temporary shutdown of factories and the less car/airplane travel.”

This is great news to hear that lots of people in various places are seeing more traditionally seasonable weather. (I had noticed the cooler breezy weather myself; some nights I have almost needed long sleeves.)

This possible evidence of a return to older weather patterns makes me all the more want to limit my car travel and air travel, and find positive ways to encourage other people to do the same.

Other things we can do include reducing our food footprint by eating local and more plant-based; minimize consumption of electricity to the bare necessities; minimize purchases of new goods. These are all big categories; it all helps!

And – not everyone everywhere is experiencing good weather. There are severe droughts; extreme heat; high winds in places. We have to keep doing our part to put the brakes on human activity’s contribution to extreme weather; disruption of healthy weather patterns.

So let’s hold ourselves to certain behaviors and do all we can to set an example that other people feel intrinsically motivated to follow.

TRIGGER ALERT: Mental-health-related personal post below. (TL; DR: There is nothing for you to worry about and nothing I need you to do or say; I am fine.)

Note: This is actually a copy-and-paste of a Facebook post I made earlier. My reasons for including it on this blog are two-fold: 1) Although I have a Bio page, I feel called to divulge to you on a deeper level more of who I am and what I’m about; and 2) un-addressed mental-health issues, and just plain un-addressed feelings, lead to personal and planetary ills such as addiction and loneliness, leading to excess consumption of resources. I am trying to be the change I want to see in the world.

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There have been several times in my life when I have felt the very core of myself and my being disintegrate, fall away, get ripped away, til I felt like a non-person who would not even be visible, were I to look in a mirror.

This has been a terrifying experience each time. I have always wondered if I would come out on the other side. Right now is one of those disintegration times. Everything and everyone feels stripped away. I’m questioning everything. I feel like a non-person. This has been going off & on for some weeks now, or actually months really, but so much has been happening in the world that I didn’t want to say anything to distract people when so much else was going on.

Last night I stood out in the breeze and the surreally luminescent late-afternoon air and felt the breeze blow right through my ribcage and out the other side of me. What was interesting was that it actually felt good in that moment. Instead of being terrifying it was a rich moment of being all connected with the trees, the birds, the light.

When I moved to Florida from Austin, I was responding to some kind of inner guidance, divine guidance. But I have often questioned my value here.

There’s nothing any of you needs to do or say or worry about. I have a lifelong history of mental-health challenges and throughout my life have learned the most effective techniques, collected the right navigational tools and vessels, and professional support network, for managing my sometimes-turbulent inner terrain. This post is just about being honest instead of trying to pretend I have it all together. (It never occurred to me that anyone would even think I had it all together, or even had a substantial percentage of it together, but one person intimated as much the other day, so I am saying this just in case anyone thinks that.) Being honest in case it might help someone else who hits choppy waters. It is helping me already, typing this.

Fundamentally, maybe on some level I’m
some sort of mental thrillseeker. Repeatedly being drawn to explore out to the wild edges, maybe past the point where it’s a good idea to turn around and get back on the well-marked trail.

It sounds crazy and self-indulgent when I put it like that. But then some of my alltime favorite people, the ones I admire most from ancient historic figures to the present, are ones who I see as sharing that attribute in common with me. Venturing a little too far out sometimes and having to try to grab onto something solid, only to find that everything we try to grab onto disintegrates between our fingers. And at the end of it all somehow we make it back alive in one piece, and are able to impart somehow a distillation of the magic or the bedrock sense of safety or whatever other value we gained from our Major Tom-like voyage.

Real-world facts: Over the past two years, three of what I thought were my closest friendships dissolved, collapsed, or disappeared in short order. When I looked honestly into myself, I had to admit those friendships were built on shaky foundations, and I had to take responsibility for my part in that. Other facts: I have in recent months voluntarily & deliberately dropped a lot of my activities that were a big part of my self-definition. So it makes sense that I would feel floaty and dismantled. It felt at the time like a refreshing exhilarating downsizing and a healthy exfoliation, yet at the same time WTF is left; WTF is next.

(Anytime in the past that I underwent one of these disintegration experiences, it always ended up ushering in the great thing or things or person or people that/who needed to be next in my life. The biggest challenge is letting go and trusting the process.)

Still another fact: Over the past N units of time, I have noticed myself turning into an approval-whore, too focused on chasing emotional comfort and being LIKED, as opposed to focusing on being someone who I would want to be around.

I realized I had come to look down on myself and not imagine how I might someday again LIKE myself. Typing this, openly and honestly, not seeking anyone’s approval, just seeking to stop being fake to the extent that I have been fake …. I finally feel, for the first time in literally I don’t know how long, could actually be since 2017, yes, that long — I actually feel, in this moment, a genuine liking for myself.

Which is important, because I LOVE the world, have always LOVED life and the world and the universe — but my dislike of my own SELF got in the way of my love affair with all-that-is.

Part of me is afraid to post this for fear of being ridiculed, unfriended, disliked. But that part of me is vanishing into my rearview mirror at an accelerating pace. And a much bigger part of me knows there is no consolation prize for not being real. Somehow I get found out and people will dislike me anyway. I would way rather be REAL and disliked (or ignored), than be FAKE (which I have been being) and suffer the same fate.

Oh wow, I think I just right here right now felt my core come back. It didn’t disintegrate after all. Or it did for a bit, but it re-integrated. I love you all, in the same way that the great mystic poet Rumi meant when he talked about love being “such a friend to Rumi” that he was in love with the entire universe. That is not the exact words; I need to dig them up for you.

Wow. What a ride, people. I am so in awe and in love with life right here and now. Anyone who stayed with me all the way through this post, I send you extra appreciation. Thank you for being here; thank you for being who you are. And please, if you ever need help, ask me. I might not be able to help but I will do my best. This goes double for any of you who have asked for my help over the past few weeks and I was short with you. That wasn’t me; that’s not the person I am deep down. I let my own inner crap get in the way of joyous opportunities to be in service. No more. If I can help any of you, I will. And consider it an honor.

Further Exploration:

The Power of Vulnerability (TED Talk by Brené Brown). When we try to numb out the “bad” feelings, we numb out all other feelings too. So we end up unhappy and unfulfilled. But, when we have the courage to be imperfect; to say “I love you”; to try something even when the outcome is uncertain — we become much more alive. I’m a big fan of Brené Brown but had never heard this particular talk before. Many thanks to the friend who shared this 20-minute talk on my Facebook thread!

“White privilege is a distraction, leaving racism and power untouched,” says this article by Kenan Malik in The Guardian.

“Such demonstrations of public obsequiousness are performances that make individuals feel better about themselves but also keep the structures of power and discrimination untouched.”

As I see it, this wallowing and this performative aspect are what’s problematic and a distraction. The concept of white privilege itself, though, is extremely important for us white people to recognize, so we can use it for the good.

Where I see the “white privilege” concept as being of real value, is that as a white ally, I can

1) matter-of-factly acknowledge that systemic racism has given me this privilege;

2) matter-of-factly set about correcting myself, making REAL amends, etc., when I notice, or get feedback from another person, that I’ve perpretrated racism;

3) matter-of-factly confront fellow white people, in public and in private, when I see them pretending not to be racist while cloaking their motives under some fake banner such as “respect for property”, “public safety”, etc, denying that racism exists etc.; and

4) When I notice that I feel scared or icky about standing up to someone (because I see them as more powerful, richer, more prestigious, prettier, more glamorous, more of a big scary bully — fill in the blank), and am tempted to hang back, or withdraw, or gloss things over by making some nicey-nice appeasing comment, I can instead use the luxury afforded to me by my white privilege to take a deep breath, get re-centered, and matter-of-factly go back into the scary conversation, knowing that whatever consequences I’m fearing are “consequences lite” — a laughably pale shadow of the violence, economic reprisals, humiliation and other truly bad stuff black people have had to face day in and day out.

For me, the concept of white privilege, when applied in a constructive manner, allows me to drop the wallowing and emoting and performative stuff, and just set about channeling my privilege for the good. Which is to actually notice and set about dismantling those underlying unquestioned assumptions, beliefs, power structures. Sometimes the dismantling is as small and seemingly simple as a comment in a Facebook thread. The work-site for dismantling systemic racism is on millions of small daily fronts, and it’s always there for us to do.

“This is a transformational moment. Let’s use it to challenge structural injustice, not to elicit or wallow in guilt,” writes Malik in the Guardian article.

Amen! Deep-green troops, mobilize! A world tyrannized by white privilege can never be green.

I see an analogous connection between white privilege and our work as deep-green activists, and I will address that in an upcoming post.

I started a new post to expand on my first post on this topic. I’ll be adding thoughts as they come to mind, and adding resources as I find them.

Implosion of the “Journey To Zero-Waste” Facebook group: One of the online groups I’ve steadfastly recommended to you as a resource for all matters related to reducing one’s footprint, is essentially dead, because the admins shut down posts related to supporting zero-waste black-owned businesses. They deemed Black Lives Matter a U.S. political matter, beyond the rightful terrain of an international non-political group. Tens of thousands of members disagreed and raised an uproar, but the admins get the last word, and the group is for all intents and purposes no longer available. Its content has been archived and is searchable by existing members, but no new people can join or access the archives. The needless loss of this rich resource is a shame. But, in the event that you have a question about anything related to reducing waste in your daily life, I will be happy to search the J2ZW archives for you. How much better it would have been, had the group been allowed to freely explore the intersection between environmentalism and racism. To explore “How does systemic racism, and the Black Lives Matter movement, relate to pursuing a Zero-Waste lifestyle? How can this group be part of the solution?”

De-funding racism: Laura Oldanie (Rich & Resilient Living) just made a post, “A Crowdsourced Guide To Social Justice Investing,” about how we can use our financial capital to help de-fund racism and fund the world we want to live in. “I do recognize that I’m operating from a place of privilege (and gratitude) just having money to invest and the time to contemplate social justice investing. Given the direction my life has taken, it feels like the best contribution I can make right now to help address this situation,” says Laura. Thanks always Laura for your thoughtful, well-researched posts! Money is a tricky topic, and Laura makes it easier for everyday people to make a difference via their investments.

Some years back, a friend of mine retired. To reduce his cost of living, he moved from the large expensive metropolitan area where he’d spent most of his working years, to a small town far from any major city. Not long after, he told me he was having trouble hiring people to do yardwork, house repairs and other work. Not that such people weren’t available, but they worked on their own schedule — which, from the perspective of a city person, was very slow.

“They always want to be out fishing and hunting,” my friend said. The implication being that their priorities were skewed, because why wouldn’t a person always rather be earning money than doing anything else?

What I gathered from this was that the locals very much had their priorities straight. Obviously their household overhead was low enough so they didn’t have to take every single job that came along. So they got plenty of time to do what they loved (which, in this case, also brought them a steady supply of fresh local meat). And my friend always eventually got done the work he needed done — just more on nature’s timetable rather than on his personal timetable.

And a “priority” story closer to home: Today I made a priority of washing sheets and other large laundry items, because it was our first sunny day in a while. (The rain has been wonderful; we’re closing the gap on the drought.) If anyone had called me with a job that needed to get done this morning/early afternoon, I’d have said, “Sorry I can’t today; I have to do laundry.” And would have been perfectly happy about it. The big laundry items had been piling up for awhile, and there is a pure sort of joy in making the most of sunshine, just as there is a pure sort of joy in making the most of rain or any other natural blessing. Looking forward to the smell of sun-dried linens tonight!

And, one more “priorities” story close to home. A church on my street just spent three hours mowing, edging, and blowing its lawn. This is a regular occurrence. I have approached the church in the past about the possibility of a community garden with fruit trees and a vegetable patch, but the folks in charge said basically, “We don’t have the resources for that.” Meanwhile, this church operates a very large-volume food distribution program for low-income people. For several hours every Wednesday, volunteers hand out big bags of groceries to a line of people that often stretches down the street. By the nature of a food-distribution program, perishable fresh produce takes a backseat to canned goods. And what fresh produce there is (such as greens packaged in plastic) is often rotted by the time it reaches the recipients. While I commend the church for its intentions of addressing food insecurity (and for the sheer volume of its charity), I hold out hope that one day the people in charge at the church will come to see a veggie garden and fruit orchard as also being a priority. Imagine if the food recipients had an opportunity to pick their own fresh food and volunteer in the garden; and imagine if the church’s landscaping volunteers were expending their labor on growing something useful rather than just ornamental!

Feelings and emotions are not baggage … but they can come with baggage! If you are feeling overwhelmed by some feeling or emotion, chances are you are not simply EXPERIENCING that feeling — as in, being present with that feeling, without words, translation, judgment, resistance. Chances are that along with experiencing that feeling, you are also experiencing RESISTANCE to that feeling. For example you could be feeling sad or angry, and along with that sadness and anger you could also be feeling “It’s wrong for me to be feeling this way” or “I can’t stand feeling like this.” These layers of judgment intensify the feeling, and actually cause it to stick around longer because we are resisting just experiencing the feeling. It gets bigger and bigger and feels like it might crush you. I had spent some decades on the planet, being swept along on a stormy sea of feeling, before I got clued in to this. Wow, what a revelation it was for me to learn how to just feel pure sadness, or have a pure experience of anger, just be present with it. Also, to have a pure experience of happiness, without the accompanying feeling of “This won’t last” or “I don’t deserve this” or “When is the other shoe going to drop?”

A feeling by itself is actually quite a magical experience almost like a flavor of ice cream. Or the scent of a certain flower. And then, once it’s experienced without judgment, to see how quickly the intensity drops off and the feeling passes, like a cloud in the sky – what a revelation! Just one of the flavors of life, a pure experience. Experiencing is a skill that can be taught, learned, and practiced. And when you learn how to experience your feelings purely without the surrounding “junk” of resistance etc, it completely changes your life. A lot of pain and drama just drops away, and an enormous amount of energy is freed up. You might find yourself suddenly having all sorts of extra time for things you really want to do, or a huge influx of creativity. At least, that is how I have experienced it! Revolutionary.

You can build a whole life around avoiding/resisting feelings. You can build a whole culture around it! We sure have. Bad idea though, time to shake those chains. Feelings are an essential survival mechanism because they are our BS detector and our heart-compass and moral compass. You might think that it would be the thinking, intellectual mind that would have that role, but actually the intellect by itself is just a machine, and without the guiding influence of feelings, that so-called “smart” thinking mind will amplify all sorts of nonsense and get a person into all sorts of trouble.

To people experiencing unemployment/underemployment, student-loan debt, food insecurity, lack of access to health care, housing insecurity, and other harsh economic realities of today’s world, the seemingly irrepressible buoyancy of Wall Street might feel head-spinning or even possibly outright insulting. (I know I have often found it offensive on many levels, including environmental: Humanity is making a killing by plundering the earth and indigenous communities.)

Many times in past years, seeing yet another report of Wall Street bouncing back higher than ever while everyday life for most people seems, well, not prosperous, I have been baffled.

But more recently, I am no longer baffled, because I finally understand that the forces putting money in the pockets of corporations and shareholders are different from, and in many cases actually at odds with, the forces that would put money into the pockets of everyday people and their local communities.

Recently I came across an excellent article elucidating these forces. Alas, I failed to bookmark the article or even remember which publication I saw it in. I’m going to keep combing my e-scrap files and my brain until I dig it up for you, because with the Covid-induced unemployment and small-business failings (as the stock market meanwhile has bounced back with is its characteristic relentlessness), it’s really important right now more than ever.

In the meantime, I will share a thought I’ve had for awhile. Many people (possibly the bulk of North Americans) are fighting against themselves by being heavily invested in Wall Street while at the same time trying to earn a decent livelihood and make their neighborhoods/local communities more prosperous and livable for all. Am I saying don’t invest in stocks? Not necessarily. But I’m saying we have to seriously look into this connection. Or should I say look into this disconnection: Wall Street booming while Main Street is languishing. I’ve taken up this topic in my book and elsewhere on this blog. For one, here is my post about the folly of seeing Wall Street as synonymous with the economy; hope you find it helpful in getting a wider vantage point and exploring your options.

Oh, hey! This is not the article I was thinking of, but I just now found a goodie. “Why Main Street Is Suffering While Wall Street Is Soaring” (Martha C. White and Stephanie Ruhle; nbcnews.com). Very illuminating and succinct explanation.